Sirius Nursery Tales
by Laume
Summary: AU, OOC. Lily and James go out, leaving Harry in his uncles'care, two of whom quickly learn never to let Sirius do the bedtime stories.


**A/N AU. Just a random piece of nonsense that my muse dumped into my head the other day.**** Glad to be rid of it, I suppose.**

"Just for the record, Remus gets to change the diapers.That'll teach him to prank us."

"I fully agree, Black," the darkhaired man, whose voice was muffled by the black scarf he wore against the winter cold, replied.

"Come on, Sirius, those purple streaks in your hair weren't THAT bad. And Severus, when are you ever going to use Sirius's first name? It's been over five years."

The three men approached the cottage that had been decorated for the holidays already. A large Christmas tree in the yard, lights surrounded the windows. Remus smiled, remembering a night five years ago when Dumbledore had sent the four of them here, to James's house, the Christmas after the Shrieking Shack incident when he had unknowingly nearly killed Severus. James's parents had taken their wands but did not stop the boys from screaming at each other. Nor did they try to stop the punches that were being thrown. They simply patched up the black eyes, bloody noses and bruised ribs, cast silencing charms over their room and waited.

Eventually, they had started talking instead of fighting. By the end of the holidays a shaky truce had been agreed upon. When Easter came around, they once again stayed at James's house and this time Lily joined them. The tentative friendship went undercover along with Severus's spying career, but it continued to grow. When he could, the young Potions Master of Hogwarts joined his friends in babysitting Harry.

Like this night.

When they knocked on the door, James opened, a screaming Harry on his arm. He immediately thrust the child into Remus's arms.

Lily came down the stairs. "James, honey, what is Harry wailing about? You were going to change and feed him, weren't you?"

Her husband looked sheepish while Remus made frantic efforts to calm the baby down with little success. Snape rolled his eyes, took the child from the werewolf and turned him to lay stomach – down on his arm. Harry calmed and drooled down the Potions Masters robes.

"I kinda burned the formula," James admitted.

"How did you manage that?" Lily's eyes went wide, "It's a simple charm! Burning water is harder to do!"

"I know, I must have swished a few times too many. I wanted to make sure…"

Leaving the bantering couple behind Severus, followed by Sirius and Remus, strode into the kitchen.

"Reparo!" the molten plastic reformed into a bottle. Remus took care of the formula while Sirius and Severus changed Harry's diaper. The werewolf grinned slyly.

Lily and James were still at it when they returned, Sirius holding a happily suckling Harry.

Lily and James were STILL arguing when they were both helped into their cloaks and pushed into the fireplace where the Floo address had already been spoken.

"There, they are off. Now we can have fun, right, cub?" Sirius tickled Harry, who gurgled, reached for Sirius's hair and gave it a sharp tug.

"OUCH, you little Marauder!" Sirius exclaimed proudly, rubbing the sore spot.

Snape smirked. "Your indoctrinations backfiring on you?"

Sirius ignored him, and gave Harry to Remus. "Here, Moony, you haven't gotten to cuddle him yet."

Remus took Harry with a sceptical look at Sirius. "Sure. And the fact he needs to be burped is completely irrelevant to your sudden decision to share Harry, I assume?"

Sirius tried to retain his innocent face, but soon smirked when Harry dribbled milk down Remus's robes. Severus raised an eyebrow.

"My, Black, that move was positively Slytherin of you."

Aghast, Sirius stood opening and closing his mouth like a fish while Remus laughed and scourgified his robes. Harry reached for Sirius again.

"Would you like a bedtime story, Cub?" Sirius ignored the other two.

"Gaahmummumda," Harry responded.

"Alright then, little one, listen carefully. Once upon a time, in a land far, far away…"

"Scotland, for example."

"Or Wales," Remus nodded.

"IN A LAND FAR, FAR AWAY," Sirius continued, "two little boys were born. They were very special boys. They were the sons of Mars."

"The red planet."

"The candy."

"Oh, you better not mention that to Albus, he'll use it for his new password."

"He did like the 'Milky Way' one, didn't he? ."

"SONS OF MARS. Their evil grandfather threw them in a basket in the river, hoping the children would drown."

"Sirius, is this really a suitable story for a child?"

"Not to mention it gives the child impractical ideas. When you want someone to drown, you do not provide them with a life raft."

Sirius glared at the other two before turning again to Harry. Remus and Severus snickered behind his back.

"But the little boys did not drown…"

"…I told you so. Impractical."

"They washed ashore in a distant land, where a she wolf found them."

"Snacktime!"

"Severus!"

"Sorry, Remus. I got caught up in the story."

Sirius turned his back on the other two, cradled the highly amused Harry in his arms – it was unclear whether the baby was amused by the story or just by being with Uncle Padfoot – and continued.

"The she- wolf breastfed the two babies and adopted them as her own cubs. After a while, a shepherd found them and took the twins home with him. He named them Remus and Severus."

"Romulus! Not Severus, Romulus!" the young Potions Master protested.

"I never knew you wanted to be known as Romulus," Remus turned to the spluttering man, "why didn't you say so before? I'd be happy to call you Romulus."

Snape shot a death glare at him. Sirius smirked and continued. "Severus and Remus were always together when they grew up, but they got into lots of fights as well…"

"I do NOT want to be called Romulus!"

"Don't worry, Rom, I won't tell anyone else. Your secret is safe with us."

"I shall restrain myself for the sake of the child," Romulus – erm, Severus said with what scraps of dignity he could muster, "but do not think this is over, Lupin!"

Sirius rocked little Harry, who was delighted with the show his uncles put up for him.

"Then one day, when Severus and Remus were grown up, they each built a house. Of course they wanted to ward it. So Severus set about dong that. He raised ward after ward and was making a good start, when Remus strolled down the path to his house. Seeing Severus…"

"ROMULUS!"

"Yes, Romulus, don't worry. We'll send the request for the name change to the Ministry as soon as possible. Do James and Lily have any Floo powder left, Padfoot?"

"One more comment out of you and I will Silence you!"

Sirius grinned inwardly as he continued his tale. "Remus started to mock the wards Severus put up. "How weak they are," he taunted, "I can step right through them." Severus tried to explain that was because they, being identical twins, shared the same blood, but Remus continued to harass Severus. Then Severus raised a new ward which included a little Castration spell…"

"SIRIUS!"

"BLACK!"

Severus stepped forward while Remus quickly covered Harry's ears.

"He's a baby, Black. Not even aware he HAS equipment, let alone that it is possible to lose it. You are SO going to pay for that little story of yours."

Remus sniggered. "And YOU, werewolf! You be good or I'll take away your chocolate!"

A gasp from Lupin and a smirk from Sirius made Harry look up in wonder.

"You wouldn't do that! Not my chocolate! Romulus…"

Severus folded his arms over his chest and sneered down his nose. "Try me. One more 'Romulus'…"

Sirius opened his mouth, but Remus quickly stuffed his fist in it. "I think he's serious, Sirius," he whispered.

"And don't you forget it," Snape tilted his chin as arrogantly as he could, took Harry from the arms of a totally flabbergasted Sirius. Neither wizard was quick enough to respond as he stole the privilege of carrying the child to his bed to tuck him in.

Just as Severus closed the door behind him, he heard a sound from the crib.

"Rommmmm," he heard…


End file.
